Return From Wonderland

Wow, where have I been?

Down the proverbial rabbit hole.

March and April were not kind months. We had some pretty big changes, I faced a few new health issues and we received some grim news. Something about all this...be it the events themselves, the combination of so many things happening at once or just a roll of the dice...triggered some major anxiety. I found myself in a constant state of amplified stress and anxiety. This completely snowballed, building on itself and intensifying as the days went on.



The thing about anxiety is that it tends to amplify everything. Even the smallest tasks can seem like a mountain to climb and all logic, like Elvis, has left the building. I had no means within me to make even the simplest decision or to enjoy the things I love most without becoming completely overwhelmed; I hadn't picked up my camera or a spatula in weeks. Furthermore, the smallest changes (like a new haircut, for example) was enough to trigger a full-on panic attack.

The specifics of how this process gets triggered is still a mystery to me and I have yet to discover a solid pattern. But I do know that my predisposition to this disorder is entirely biological. It goes back generations.

But it is what it is. I could feel it coming on and attempted to prepare myself and my husband, but had no inkling as to how intense, or how drawn out, this episode was going to be. It's been physically and emotionally exhausting. I resorted to relying on a combination of Valium and energy drinks to make it through the day. I was listening to a lot of Morrissey.

Ultimately, some events resolved. Conversations were had. Tears were shed and a weight was lifted. And at last I can feel myself coming down off this bastard of an emotional roller coaster.

* * * * *

Today I went out to my garden and picked some Tulips. A little friend came too.

We laid on the grass together, relishing in the sun and the earth, and I heard a little voice say ever so quietly "ah...there you are!".

And I smiled.