Exsqueeze Me? Baking Powder?

I saw my neurologist today for a follow-up; it's been about eight weeks since halting my treatment due to some reactions. I was expecting her to tell me she was not concerned about these reactions and instruct me to resume my injections. I'm not exactly sure why I was expecting this. Perhaps I was just hoping for this. Alas, this was not the news I received.

She explained that she was concerned with these reactions, particularly the tightness in the chest and did not feel that it would be wise to resume this particular medication. She went on to say that given my increase in symptoms the past few months, she felt it was wise to get me back on a treatment with one of the other medications.

My heart sank. Since my diagnosis two years ago, I have been adamant that I was not interested in trying any of the other treatments available; their side effects seemed too risky and too much for me to cope with. And now I was hearing that I needed to get back on a treatment, and that these other drugs were my only options. I started to tear up a bit.

I felt like I had come so far and now I feel like I am back at the beginning again. It was a gut-wrenching choice to chose a treatment the first time around. I don't much fancy the idea of facing all that unknown again.

The neurologists treatment of choice at this point is an "interferon immunomodulator". Interferons are a family of small protein molecules that are produced by cells in response to viral infections. They work in a way that is not understood, which is pretty much all I can find about how this medication works. They don't know exactly how it works, it just does, and can reduce the number of MS attacks and slow the progression of the disease. Side effects include:

- Flu-like symptoms such as aches and pains, fever, chills, sweating, headache, fatigue and nausea. These tend to be worse at the start of treatment and improve with continued treatment.
- Injection site reactions such as pain, inflammation or abscess
- Pain in the muscles or joints
- Flushing
- Skin reactions such as rash or itching
- Diarrhoea
- Loss of appetite
- Difficulty in sleeping (insomnia)
- Depression
- Hair loss (alopecia)
- Disturbance in the components of the blood
- Heavy or irregular menstrual bleeding
- Dizziness
- Under or overactive thyroid
- Confusion
- Seizures (convulsions)
- Inflammation of the liver (hepatitis)

Sounds fun, no? Blood work is required every three months in order to monitor liver function. Swell.

I was also given a big booklet about this medication, full of photos of all the happy people who are "taking charge" and "feeling good about tomorrow". You know, completely unbiased information from the manufacturer. Give me a break.

I've been trying to tell myself for the past two months that I don't really need to be on a treatment. That really, my MS isn't that bad and I'm sure if I can just cut back my work a little and exercise more and eat better, I'll be fine. Really, there's no need for me to put myself through this. I say that to myself. Then I see Stuart Smalley pop into my head and tell me that "denial is not just a river in Egypt". Yeah. I know.

I also know that these side effects probably sound a lot worse than they really are. And that even though I'm coping (if only barely somedays) with the symptoms now, they are likely to just worsen over time. And studies show that getting on and staying on a treatment is the best defense against disability from this disease.

My neurologist also explained that of all of her patients on this particular medication, none of them have so far suffered any liver troubles. She acknowledged that liver problems do happen, but that because this is monitored so closely, any issues that arrise are typically reversable.

Yeah. I know all that. Still...I just don't want to fucking deal with this. But, this is my cycle. Right now I have to allow myself to just feel whatever it is that I feel. I just need to let the emotions flow and experience my fear and sadness and anxiety and whatever else. Eventually my resolve will kick in and I will do what I have to do. This disease is unrelenting, so I will be unrelenting too.