Kitties and Cakes and Keane, Oh My.

It's only been a week since we lost our Lucy Girl, but it already seems like a distant dream. There is just no way that could have possibly happened. We still see her lurking out of the corners of our eyes sometimes. A few mornings I've caught myself about to call for her in a sing-song voice, as I did every morning. Then I remember and my heart sinks. Oh. Damn it. We miss you, little lady.

We've been very appreciative for all the kind thoughts and cards that have come our way. We are grateful to have so many people in our lives that understand what it means to love an animal and the way they get into our hearts and never ever leave. You know who you are. And we thank you.

The past week has been a bit busy, which is probably for the best (had I nothing else to do, I would have spent my time moping about the house). The Amazing Willow and I are taking a cake decorating class, and this week we completed our first project.


Here it is, people...my first proper cake. You can tell because it says so! I couldn't think of anything else to write, so I just got straight to the point. Not too shabby for a first time, eh?

The class itself was $25, which sounded like a real bargain. It wasn't until after we enrolled that we learned we'd have to buy a slew of supplies and make all our own cakes and frosting at home and from scratch. So far, we're into this thing about $100.

My cake looks like it's worth $100, doesn't it?

Anyhow, between cake class and baking cake and making enough frosting to frost the pyramids in Egypt, I've been a busy bee.

Last night Willow and I went to the Keane concert. We had purchased the tickets quite a while ago but by the time this week rolled around I quite honestly wasn't feeling like going to a concert. But as it turns out, a great time was had and I think it was good for me to get out of the house and do something fun.

We almost became the victims of road rage, enjoyed a yummy dinner, hit a car in the parking lot and froze our asses off to meet rock stars. See? Fun!

It actually was a lot of fun (see here for full details). It'd been quite a while since I'd been to a concert and it was almost cathartic to stand shoulder to shoulder in a huge crowd, all singing as loud as we can along with the band. Keane is one of my all-time favorites.

The Sound of Silence

Our little Lucy Girl is gone.

She had developed lymphoma and it began to take her quickly over the last month. We allowed her to pass away peacefully last night, and we were by her side until the very end.

Lucy was an incredible presence in our lives. She carved out a piece of our souls and that's where she lived. She completely owned us. She had a little spark about her that always brought a smile to our faces whenever she was around. She was full of little quirks (like stealing my blush brushes and hiding them under pillows) and was always so sweet and charming. And she always knew when we needed her.

There was a time about three years ago when I was not yet diagnosed with my MS, and nobody knew what was going on. Vertigo had hit and I spent 8 straight hours on the bathroom floor, puking my guts out. I was miserable and scared. Lucy did not leave my side. She layed on the floor with me and I could feel her pawing at my arm while I puked, as if in comfort and worry.

Lucy also had a very strong connection to Nick. She had complete possession of his heart and her happiest place was wherever he was. She'd spend a lot of time with him in the computer room, lounging on the back of the chair or in his lap. She also loved to sprawl across his desk, usually taking up the entire mouse pad or otherwise hindering his room to work. But he never minded.

Lucy rarely slept on the bed while we were in it (I think we moved around too much for her liking), but when she did she was pressed up tightly against Nick. After Nick came home from his knee surgery, she slept with him every night for the first few weeks.

Lucy had a series of nicknames over the years. Lucy somehow changed into Lucy La La. Then I started calling her Lucy McGuilicutty (like from the I Love Lucy show). Sometimes Nick would come home and call out "Lucy, I'm home" in the Ricky Ricardo accent. Then somehow Lucy McGuilicutty changed into Magilla Gorilla (that old Hannah Barbara caratoon). The Gorilla Girl. Then Gorilla Snacks or sometimes just Snacks for short (honestly, I don't know how snacks got involved). But the one that always stuck, and will be forever and always, is Lucy Girl.

Lucy has left a giant hole in our hearts. The sound of her not being here is so very loud. And everywhere we look we see where she used to lay in sunbeams or her favorite spot to look out the window or where she clawed up the carpet on the corner of the stairs.

There are three food dishes still. Even though it kills me to look at them, I'm not yet ready to put one away.


We love you, Lucy. We will miss your spark and your sass and your sweet little touch. And while our hearts ache, we are comforted that you are at peace and are no longer suffering. Thank you for all that you gave us.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

A 43- minute musical film, written and directed (and music) by Joss Whedon! (You know, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Firefly guy!)

Starring Neil Patrick Harris! And probably some other people!

I know, I know...I'm probably like the last person to hear about this as apparently it was sort of an internet sensation. What can I say, sometimes I live in a bubble. But my bubble has been popped and I don't know about you, but nothing says comedy like a singing super-villain. A Neil Patrick Harris singing super-villain.




I also learned that, due to it's popularity, this video has been released on DVD with commentary by Joss Whedon. Brilliantly, the commentary was also done in musical form. It rhymes and everything.

Sweet.

Return From Wonderland

Wow, where have I been?

Down the proverbial rabbit hole.

March and April were not kind months. We had some pretty big changes, I faced a few new health issues and we received some grim news. Something about all this...be it the events themselves, the combination of so many things happening at once or just a roll of the dice...triggered some major anxiety. I found myself in a constant state of amplified stress and anxiety. This completely snowballed, building on itself and intensifying as the days went on.



The thing about anxiety is that it tends to amplify everything. Even the smallest tasks can seem like a mountain to climb and all logic, like Elvis, has left the building. I had no means within me to make even the simplest decision or to enjoy the things I love most without becoming completely overwhelmed; I hadn't picked up my camera or a spatula in weeks. Furthermore, the smallest changes (like a new haircut, for example) was enough to trigger a full-on panic attack.

The specifics of how this process gets triggered is still a mystery to me and I have yet to discover a solid pattern. But I do know that my predisposition to this disorder is entirely biological. It goes back generations.

But it is what it is. I could feel it coming on and attempted to prepare myself and my husband, but had no inkling as to how intense, or how drawn out, this episode was going to be. It's been physically and emotionally exhausting. I resorted to relying on a combination of Valium and energy drinks to make it through the day. I was listening to a lot of Morrissey.

Ultimately, some events resolved. Conversations were had. Tears were shed and a weight was lifted. And at last I can feel myself coming down off this bastard of an emotional roller coaster.

* * * * *

Today I went out to my garden and picked some Tulips. A little friend came too.

We laid on the grass together, relishing in the sun and the earth, and I heard a little voice say ever so quietly "ah...there you are!".

And I smiled.

Birthday Shout Out!

Happy Birthday to one of the most creative gals I know! I am loving your designs! You are really inspiring me to get off my butt and get back to stitching. Thank you for your friendship and support...it means the world!

I wish you a very lovely birthday, full of sunshine, good people
and hopefully some cake!!

Love,
Niki


P.S. If you haven't already, you should really check out her darling vinyl creations as well as her kick ass iPod and camera cases. As soon as Lent is over, I'm getting this one!

Caution: Massive Cuteness Ahead

Spent a lovely afternoon yesterday with my sister, Amy, and my nephew, William. He's nearly 4-months-old and is getting cuter and chubbier by the day.

OMG, Cute!


Oh boy...the pouty face. I hear ya, bud. Sometimes the world just isn't right.



But then mommy kisses your toes and all is well once more!


*sigh* If only life could stay this simple. Although no one has kissed my toes in a while. Maybe I should give it a try, see if it helps. This could be the hidden answer. Quick, somebody write the President!

Pay It Forward

This is how it works..... The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive a hand made gift from me during this year. When and what will be a surprise. BUT, in order for you to leave a comment on my blog, you have to post this on your blog first (if you don't have a blog, your myspace or facebook works too). That means that sometime during this year you will send a gift to 3 people as well. Get it? Let's spread some happy!

I was lucky enough to be one of the first three commenters on my friend Angie's blog. Along with her kindness, thoughtfulness and brilliant sense of humor, Angie is also super creative. She makes some fabulous bead creations. Just look what I received from her as my Pay It Forward handmade gift:


Wow! I absolutely love it! The color combination is so bright and uplifting. The silver beads say "harmony" and "balance", two things I am currently focusing on improving in my life. And now I have a beautiful reminder to wear every day, not only of my intentions, but also of my friend!

Thank you again, Angie!

Sometimes I Amaze Myself

So during my morning routine on Wednesday I discovered that I was just about out of facial moisturizer.

Crap.

I also remembered that I made a commitment to not purchase anything during the season of Lent.

Double crap.

My skin is fairly dry in the Winter months and I really need a good moisturizer to avoid looking 20 years older than I actually am. I thought briefly about just bagging the whole thing, but then remembered that Lent is about sacrifice and I wasn't going to give up because of my vanity. I made a commitment and I was going to stick to it. So I turned to the internet to research recipes for home made facial moisturizer.

I found plenty of decent looking concoctions, but I didn't have all of the ingredients required to make them on hand. There were, however, two common components that kept popping up: aloe vera and grapeseed oil.

Upon further research, I found that both elements were highly moisturizing and had anti-bacterial and regenerative properties, which made them ideal for use on the face. I also found that these two ingredients were in the store-bought moisturizer I was already using. Best yet, I had both of them under my bathroom sink.

So I grabbed a small, clean jar and a kitchen spoon and started mixing, adding and stirring until the consistency felt about right. Here's what I ended up with:

4 parts aloe vera
2 parts grapeseed oil
2 drops of pure essential oil for fragrance (I used ylang ylang..it smells so fresh!)

I've been using this morning and night since Wednesday and, much to my surprise, I LOVE IT!! I think this concoction actually moisturizes better than my store-bought cream. It absorbs quickly, is non-irritating and I haven't seen one sign of a breakout.

It's also not bad on my hands and feet.

I have to admit, I'm a bit pleased with myself. I never thought I'd actually try making stuff like this at home, let alone put it on my face. But I stuck to my commitment and as a result, discovered something pretty neat (well, I think it's neat) and was able to find an effective solution without hitting the store!

Pretty In Pink

I rummaged through my cupboards last night looking for something to do. I found a cherry chip cake mix and two tubs of frosting, one cherry and one cream cheese. Perfect.

The cherry flavor frosting is very reminiscent of the old Bonne Bell cherry lip balm. I enjoyed it enormously.


Though really, you can't go wrong with classic cream cheese frosting. Delightful. Guess how many I ate...

When I wasn't baking and frosting and putting pink sprinkles on things, I spent the rest of my day purging. I sorted out all the clothes and make-up I'm not using, dividing it up between what will be donated and what is trash. I was amazed at how much stuff I have that I'm not even using! Half of it, I didn't even know where it came from and some of it still had the tags on. Nice.

As a result, I have six bags of clothing to go to the Road Home this week. There are plenty of women who could really use these clothes; it's wasted far too much time in my closet. I also went through our medicine and tossed loads of expired cold remedies.

Ahhh, I love purging! It's so therapeutic.

Lent

I haven't participated in the Christian tradition of Lent since...well, ever. Though I was baptized and raised a Roman Catholic, our participation only went far enough to satisfy our traditionally Catholic grandmother. And while I'm no longer an active participant in the Catholic church (organized religion just isn't my cup of tea), I still find value and significance in some of the traditional practices.

The period of Lent denotes the forty days preceding Easter, beginning on Ash Wednesday. It is a time of soul-searching and repentance, and of reflection, taking stock and sacrifice. During this period, we voluntarily give up (or fast from) something in which we find pleasure as a means of returning to simplicity and purity, and to identify with Christ's sufferings.

Now personally, I don't feel that one need be a religious individual to participate in this Spring ritual of renewal. I think we can all benefit from a bit of sacrifice and reflecting on our lives. In these times of war and economic strife, I feel it is particularly important to take stock and be mindful of our blessings and to center ourselves around what truly matters.

So after some thought, I'm choosing to give up buying. That is to say, the act of spending money and the acquisition of possessions. It is far too easy for me to buy something just because I want it....a new shirt I happen to pass by or a new purse, a new facial cleanser even though I already have some, just grabbing lunch out instead of eating the food in the house I've already purchased, etc...and I'm choosing to give up this self-indulgent behavior.

Until Easter Sunday, I shall not spend a penny on anything (save for groceries*) or acquire any new possessions. This includes any health and beauty aids, entertainment and cleaning supplies. I'll just need to make good use of what I already have, and employ some ingenuity and creativity. No more Jamba Juice, no more Starbucks Chai Frappuccino's (ouch!), and I can kiss that cute bag I saw at work yesterday goodbye.

My husband is not participating in this, however he is supportive of me even though it means not going out to the movies or dinner until Easter ("Lent goes until Easter? Yikes, I thought it was a week!"). He's a good man. And there are still plenty of ways for us to entertain ourselves without spending any money. Like I said...creativity!

Anyone else participating in Lent? What are you giving up?


*And yes, I realize Lent traditionally includes the practice of fasting. Given my health issues, however, I'm not sure that would be entirely wise. Though for the sake of Lent, I'm defining "groceries" as essential meal ingredients. So I'll be fasting from Oreo's, Goldfish crackers, chips and salsa and the like. It's gonna be tough!

Givin' Props To A Creative Gal

I'm linking to this post on my friend Bekah's blog not only because I want to win one of her fabulous creations (oh please pick me!), but because I want to spread the word about what a clever, creative and stylish gal she is!

She does some darling things with vinyl, which you can see at her Spell It Out Designs blog.

And you must must must check out her hand-made iPod/phone/camera cases at her Needle Pin Productions etsy store, which were recently featured on TV:

(Bekah's bit starts at the 5:00 minute mark)

I gotta get me one of those! Anyway, check her out!

Good News / Bad News

Good news first.

I finally spoke with my neurologist today. My MRI comparisons actually showed no significant changes in the progress of my disease. There are still some active lesions going on, but nothing new. This was great news! And it gave me the confirmation I needed to go forward with the treatment plan I was leaning towards.

I did a lot of research on the new medication she suggested for me. I read forty different patient experiences on this drug and spoke to five people I know personally who are currently taking it or have taken it. I got very little positive feedback. Most people experienced side effects that were bad enough to hinder daily function. Of those who chose to stay on the treatment, they had been in much worse shape prior to starting the treatment (some were struggling to walk) and this drug made a significant improvement in their ability to move and function. They felt the trade off on the side effects was worth it. And I would be inclined to agree.

However, I am not quite so progressed. While I definitely struggle with certain physical activities, the side effects, I feel, have the potential to put me in a worse state than I'm in now. I simply can't justify making myself feel worse and I want to feel as good as I can for as long as I can.

As such, Nick and I felt we wanted to give the treatment I was originally on another try. Our research found that the reactions I was having were not uncommon and they seemed to be innocuous. My doctor agreed that there was most likely no harm in giving it another go. If I have more problems, it's time to move on. But I feel it's worth a shot. So we're moving ahead. Whew!

Okay, now the bad news.

As I'd mentioned previously, I was torn over the decision to take a new job. The new job would mean some sacrifices, most notably a huge cut in pay. But it would get me off my feet and offered amazing benefits. After much agonizing, praying, and even a tarot reading, I decided I would accept the job were it offered to me. And it was looking good. They asked me in for an interview, after which they gave me a tour of the building and even the benefits packet which contained all the options available and their costs. They called all of my references over the last few days, and it was sounding like they were definitely interested. I was getting excited for this new venture.

Today, however, I received their form letter in my email explaining that they did not feel I was right for the position at this time. Bugger. Seemed odd to me that they would go to all that effort if I wasn't right for the job. But...the job market is saturated right now. There may very well have been someone else more qualified. Or more in need. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't awfully disappointed, but perhaps it just wasn't meant to be right now.

Still, all things considered, I'm feeling pretty good. My energy levels have been inexplicably up the last few weeks, which has also significantly buoyed my spirits. It's been a long time since I could adequately make it through the day at work, and I've been able to make it up the stairs without help once I get home. I've even had the energy to cook dinner. Talk about the little things. But it's been a long time since I've felt this good, and I'm going to appreciate every little bit.

Happy Valentines Day!

Me: "So what sounds good for lunch today, honey?"

Nick: "Brains."

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

Cake or Death

Decisions.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I'm not a fan of decisions. Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you. I don't care to be put in charge of deciding anything. Lunch? You pick. Movie? Whatever tickles your fancy. Blue or pink? Why choose...get both.

So it should come as little surprise that I am having a dickens of a time with two major decisions that lay before me.

I'm still up in the air on the results of my recent MRI, which is subsequently delaying my treatment decision. Whether or not the results will sway my choice, I don't really know, but it probably couldn't hurt.

I don't like having to choose, let alone having to choose between the lesser of two, or in this case, three evils, which are as follows:

- Go back on my original treatment and hope that the sudden onslaught of reactions was a fluke or the result of a poor batch of medicine

- Try a new treatment that may stave off disability but at the cost of potentially rendering me non-functional due to the severe side effects

- Do nothing and hope for the best.

If only it could be a bit more cut and dry...



I also have a job interview coming up this Friday. It's with a highly acclaimed and stable company and offers much better hours, affordable benefits, and will be much less physically demanding. The one downside is that it's a significant cut in pay. Our medical expenses have already been much higher than last year, and we're only in February. And a new insurance brings with it fresh new deductibles. So taking this job would mean more expenses on less income. But it has the serious potential to stave off the loony bin much longer than my current job.

Maybe I could run some computer simulations...



One thing is clear, however. Eventually, I'll make a choice. And I know that, even if the outcome is not ideal, my head probably won't fall off. We'll find a way to manage.

But can't I just have cake?

A Bit of Poppet Wisdom

(image courtesy Slaughterhouse Studios)

In these troubled times, I think we should all be focusing on getting back to the basics.

Lisa Snellings is a truly talented and visionary artist. And I think Poppets are about the coolest things on the planet. Check them out!

And let them remind us to use the Golden Rule every day.

Maneki Neko

Maneki Neko literally translates to "Beckoning Cat", but is also known as "Welcoming Cat" or "Lucky Cat". This common Japanese sculpture is believed to bring luck to the owner.

This little dude was given to me by my dear friend Angie, to bring me luck and good health. Isn't she a gem? I'll take all the luck I can get! Thanks, friend!

The Power of Stupid

The following conversation took place during a phone call I received from a nurse at my neurologists office:

Nurse: I'm just calling to let you know we have the results of your MRI.

Me: Oh, good.

Nurse: It looks like there have been changes in the MS.

Me: I see. So, what exactly does that mean?

Nurse: Well. I don't exactly know.

Me: Uh...

Nurse: The thing is, you were supposed to take the copies of your previous scans Dr. Banks gave you to the imaging center so they could make a comparative evaluation.

Me: Um, no...I was not instructed to bring any copies of my previous scans nor did the imaging center ask for any. And Dr. Banks didn't give me the copies. They should still be in my chart.

Nurse: No, she said she gave them to you.

Me: No, we looked at them at my appointment last week. They're in my chart.

Nurse: Let me just....oh! Well look at that, they're right here. Huh. Well, Dr. Banks isn't back in the office until Monday, so I'll have to check with her and see what she wants to do and go from there. I'll call you back on Monday.


Yes, wonderful. Call me back on Monday. And thank you for calling today to give me absolutely NO useful information, but just enough to cause me worry. "Changes in the MS". What the fuck does that mean? Did she seriously not expect any follow up questions to that vague statement?

I am seriously losing my patience with the stupidity and the incompetence of these health care "professionals". Not only does my doctor not have the decency to deliver my test results in person, but she gives the assignment to an individual who hasn't been provided with adequate information and who isn't qualified to answer any of my questions. Genius!

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

An easy notion to forget, particularly when you've had a crap day before 10am. I won't go into the details, but let's just say I needed some cheering up. And fast.

The blokes of Monty Python are the very epitome of silliness and embody the idea that life is a bunch of shit, so let's make fun of it.

Yes. Lets!







And let's not forget this classic.

I feel better now, don't you?

Aw, Baby Photos!

As I've said before, I can't get enough of my little nephew. He's just getting to that stage where he's starting to smile a bit and become curious with the world.

Just look at this wee little smile.

He can't get enough of that hand. Looks tasty, no?

Whoa, kid packs a mean right hook. Put up your dukes!

Dude, are you guys seeing this? It's trippin' me out, man!

I don't know what he was looking at there, but all I'm looking at are those nomable cheeks. I want to chomp on them just a little!

Superbowl Sunday Coca-Cola Cupcakes!

So hey, it's Superbowl XI something something something! How shall I celebrate? With baking, of course!

I'm not a fan of football. I don't know the difference between a field goal and a touchdown, nor could I tell you one single rule of the game (apparently it's legal to bash other players in the face with your elbow, I saw some of that going on). But we were invited to a Superbowl party with some family, and I figured if they would be there then perhaps I could tolerate the ludicrous display of testosterone that is football. And it was an ideal excuse to whip out the flour and sugar and add some girliness to the day.

Now I love themes. I make Red Velvet cupcakes for Valentines, patriotic cupcakes for the Fourth of July, etc. But what on earth could I do for the Superbowl? Then I found this recipe for Cola cake from the fine people at Coca-Cola. Perfect.

Our family does enjoy their Coke, and I figured a dessert made with a beverage that can rust a nail was about as manly as I could bake. Not to mention Coke would probably be featured in every other commercial throughout the game. It seemed like a match made in heaven. Well, in my oven.


Aside from the typical sugar, flour, egg, butter, etc., the recipe also called for marshmallows and buttermilk, and for the Coke to be boiled with the butter (along with the cocoa) before adding to the dry ingredients. Huh. I believe this was to melt the marshmallows, but it still took a good 10 minutes of stirring before they all melted.

When it was all said and mixed, the batter tasted rather strange. Not bad, just different. But when they came out of the oven....


Boy, howdy! They weren't half bad! I chose to use prepared vanilla frosting, in lieu of the Cola frosting suggested in the recipe, purely as a time saver. Also, I just really like vanilla frosting and thought it would make a nice contrast with the dark cupcake and chocolate sprinkles. I do love sprinkles.

And people seemed to enjoy them. And, much to my own surprise, I kind of enjoyed the game. Kind of. I still can't say I care much for football, but I must admit that 100 yard run in the second quarter was pretty awesome.

So would I make these again? Probably. I definitely got some compliments on them. Though I would have liked to have had red cupcake papers, kind of like a Coke can. See what I mean about me and themes? I might also like to pipe the frosting on, rather than spread it. And maybe use some red sprinkles....I could go on and on.

Hope everyone had a great Sunday, whether you're a Steelers fan or not!

Walkin' The Suburbs

I am participating in the MS Walk this year! I've been wanting to do this for the last two years, but scheduling conflicts kept coming up. However, that won't be an issue this year and I'm really looking forward to raising some money for this cause and spending a fun day outdoors. (I did the Arthritis walk with my dear friend Mindy last year and had a great time).

The walk will be held in down town Salt Lake City (starting at the Gateway) on Saturday, April 11, 2009. You can view my personal event page here, where you can also sponsor me (my goal is to raise $150, but we can totally beat that, right?) and see the goofiest picture of me ever. (Incidentally, that picture was taken by my good friend's three-year-old son. I was brave enough to let him hold my camera for five minutes and he managed to snap that shot. Not bad!)

Also, if you are interested in joining me in the walk (please do!) you can register here as an individual, or contact me and we can form a team! 100% of dollars raised go directly to the MS Society of Utah to fund support programs, services and research.

Please join me in supporting this worthy cause.

And thank you!

I'm Not Afraid Of Buttons

Coraline is one of my favorite stories from author Neil Gaiman. Actually, it's one of my favorite stories, period. I'm quite looking forward to seeing the film adaptation.

This just made me smile.

Confucius Says...

I found an unopened fortune cookie in my purse today, from lunch I had earlier this week. I had forgotten I'd thrown it in there. Being a bit snacky, I cracked it open....

Wow. I really need to hear that. And I really hope it's true. I put the fortune back in my purse, for future reference. I ate the cookie.

Exsqueeze Me? Baking Powder?

I saw my neurologist today for a follow-up; it's been about eight weeks since halting my treatment due to some reactions. I was expecting her to tell me she was not concerned about these reactions and instruct me to resume my injections. I'm not exactly sure why I was expecting this. Perhaps I was just hoping for this. Alas, this was not the news I received.

She explained that she was concerned with these reactions, particularly the tightness in the chest and did not feel that it would be wise to resume this particular medication. She went on to say that given my increase in symptoms the past few months, she felt it was wise to get me back on a treatment with one of the other medications.

My heart sank. Since my diagnosis two years ago, I have been adamant that I was not interested in trying any of the other treatments available; their side effects seemed too risky and too much for me to cope with. And now I was hearing that I needed to get back on a treatment, and that these other drugs were my only options. I started to tear up a bit.

I felt like I had come so far and now I feel like I am back at the beginning again. It was a gut-wrenching choice to chose a treatment the first time around. I don't much fancy the idea of facing all that unknown again.

The neurologists treatment of choice at this point is an "interferon immunomodulator". Interferons are a family of small protein molecules that are produced by cells in response to viral infections. They work in a way that is not understood, which is pretty much all I can find about how this medication works. They don't know exactly how it works, it just does, and can reduce the number of MS attacks and slow the progression of the disease. Side effects include:

- Flu-like symptoms such as aches and pains, fever, chills, sweating, headache, fatigue and nausea. These tend to be worse at the start of treatment and improve with continued treatment.
- Injection site reactions such as pain, inflammation or abscess
- Pain in the muscles or joints
- Flushing
- Skin reactions such as rash or itching
- Diarrhoea
- Loss of appetite
- Difficulty in sleeping (insomnia)
- Depression
- Hair loss (alopecia)
- Disturbance in the components of the blood
- Heavy or irregular menstrual bleeding
- Dizziness
- Under or overactive thyroid
- Confusion
- Seizures (convulsions)
- Inflammation of the liver (hepatitis)

Sounds fun, no? Blood work is required every three months in order to monitor liver function. Swell.

I was also given a big booklet about this medication, full of photos of all the happy people who are "taking charge" and "feeling good about tomorrow". You know, completely unbiased information from the manufacturer. Give me a break.

I've been trying to tell myself for the past two months that I don't really need to be on a treatment. That really, my MS isn't that bad and I'm sure if I can just cut back my work a little and exercise more and eat better, I'll be fine. Really, there's no need for me to put myself through this. I say that to myself. Then I see Stuart Smalley pop into my head and tell me that "denial is not just a river in Egypt". Yeah. I know.

I also know that these side effects probably sound a lot worse than they really are. And that even though I'm coping (if only barely somedays) with the symptoms now, they are likely to just worsen over time. And studies show that getting on and staying on a treatment is the best defense against disability from this disease.

My neurologist also explained that of all of her patients on this particular medication, none of them have so far suffered any liver troubles. She acknowledged that liver problems do happen, but that because this is monitored so closely, any issues that arrise are typically reversable.

Yeah. I know all that. Still...I just don't want to fucking deal with this. But, this is my cycle. Right now I have to allow myself to just feel whatever it is that I feel. I just need to let the emotions flow and experience my fear and sadness and anxiety and whatever else. Eventually my resolve will kick in and I will do what I have to do. This disease is unrelenting, so I will be unrelenting too.

Damn...

Over 71, 400 jobs lost in one day.

My heart goes out to all the families this recession is affecting. I'm counting my blessings for sure. As much as I hate my soul-sucking job, at least I still have one.

Grace In Small Things - Part 7

My brain is just too fried to do any sort of actual writing today. Aside from a body that is behaving like an angsty teenager (my limbs are fighting me on each and every activity I ask them to join me in), I am recovering from a cold. I'm at the tail end of it, which means I'm feeling better, but I'm just really phlegmy. And it's a little obnoxious. So rather than attempt to beat any sort of thought pattern out of my brain, I'm going to continue with Grace In Small Things - The Video Edition!

1. Have I ever told you how much I love geeks? Well, I do. And the Big Bang Theory is a new favorite sitcom that showcases these fabulous creatures in all their hilarious glory.



2. Coraline is one of my all-time favorite stories from author Neil Gaiman and I'm delighted to see it coming to the big screen...in stop-motion no less! And 3D! Sweet.



3. Inkheart. Saw this movie this afternoon. Two thumbs up! I'm anxious to read the rest of the books in the series...



4. Poppets. They are so wee and cute! I wants one. Lisa Snellings is a truely gifted artist.



5. James Dyson. Seriously, I love this dude. Not only does he get my floors incredibly clean, but his designs are genius (and he has a wicked British accent). I tried one of these things today in a movie theatre restroom. It was ridiculously fun, and it totally worked!



It's the little things in life, ya know?

Sniff This

I was sitting at the front desk at work today when a customer approached. I recognized him immediately. He is a very nice, older gentleman and a long-time customer with whom we are all very familiar. I greeted him by name and asked how he was doing and what I could do for him. He explained he needed to reorder some contacts, so I proceeded to look up his records in the computer.

While I was typing away, he leaned over the desk and, with a slight swagger in his voice, said: "Boy, you smell really good. Don't mind if I just lean in and have another whiff.".

Why, yes...I DO mind as a matter of fact. Seriously, did this guy just smell me? Did he really just lean over the desk and ask if he could "have a whiff"? As if to confirm the uncomfortable reality of the situation, he followed up with: "Mmm, yeah...that is quite nice.".

Insert "Side Show Bob" shudder here.

So I know I've known this guy for ten some-odd years and we're all on a first name basis and everything, but I'm just not sure how he felt his comments were a) in any way appropriate and b) not creepy as shit.

Oddly enough, this is not the first event of it's kind. If I had a dollar for every man with an AARP card who made a creepy and/or innapropriate comment to me, I could finally make that trip to Europe. So what's this all about?

Perhaps these men are just trying to relive their youths in some feeble way, or maybe they just get a kick out of flirting with younger women. Conceivably, they are just plain dirty old bastards. Sorry, fellas...but it's gonna take a bit more than your senior citizen discount for Denny's Grand Slam breakfast and a tube of aspercreme to win me over. How about a time machine for starters?

In all reality, I'm not sincerely offended by any of these off-color gentlemen. Mostly I'm just baffled by their motivation and tastelessness. And I wonder what their wives would say if they were caught, for example, sniffing pretty young girls at the eye doctors office like a kindergartner sniffs glue.

Still, perhaps I should start keeping track. I'll put a dollar in a jar for every dirty old dude to cross my path and we'll see how soon I can get to Europe.

Grace In Small Things - Part 6

1. A lovely lunch at the Tea Grotto with a fabulous group of ladies! Good friends, amazing tea and hearty helpings of laughter.

2. Discovering the Doctor Who Magazine while perusing at Barnes And Noble. I'm so geeky, I bought it. It kinda made my day.

3. New episodes of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

4. Finally getting the hang of the SR-201/I-80/I-15 interchanges. Makes getting downtown a snap.

5. This guy.

Grace In Small Things - Part 5

I am posting just this one thing today, because this takes up all 5 spots on the things that graced me today.

I know that Prop 8 passed over two months ago, but this is still an issue and it's one on which I have very strong convictions. I have found it difficult to put into words precisely how disgusted I am that Proposition 8 actually passed, but Keith Olbermann puts it brilliantly.

Quite frankly, I thought America was better than this. I thought we had moved passed this kind of discrimination. We just elected an African-American president for goodness sake! With all the hate and horribleness taking place in the world right now, shouldn't we be striving for peace and tolerance? America is supposed to be the greatest country in the world. What kind of example are we setting?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Indeed.

If you're going to take the time to watch this, I ask only that you watch it all the way through and really LISTEN to what he is saying. I am open to all comments, but any containing hate or offensiveness will be deleted.

Grace In Small Things - Part 4

You know, I thought it was going to be a stretch to find time and things to write about once a week. Interestingly enough, however, I am finding myself graced with little things that make me happy each day. I think they've always been there, it's just now I'm actually taking the time to notice.

Today, for instance:

1. Having lunch and enjoying an afternoon with my sister. She's the neatest person I know.

2. Holding my little nephew. I love him so! And the top of his head smells good (seriously, go smell a baby's head...they smell amazing.)

3. Curry.

4. Connecting with an old friend and finding we have a pretty significant trait in common.

5. Nick giving me a Hershy's kiss, because he's sick and can't give me the real thing.

I can't wait to see what graces me tomorrow!

Grace In Small Things - Part 3

I'm feeling really blah these days. Just blah. And I'm not the only one. I think it's the whole January transitioning back to reality, dismal weather thing. It seems everyone is in the same gloomy boat. And if I had my way, we'd sail this melancholy ship out to the Caribbean somewhere and get drunk and play casino games and lounge on the deck.

If only that were possible.

But, I'm not going to let stupid January completely cloud me over. So in keeping with my objective (and because there is nothing else interesting to write about), here are five things that graced me today:

1. Wearing my new pink zip up hoodie (with sparkle embellishments).

2. My husband giving me a second, lingering glance as I left for work this morning (yes, I saw that!) and then, when I got home, remembering to tell me he thought I looked cute.

3. Sitting in my car during lunch and taking off my shoes. Bliss! I hate shoes.

4. Hearing a co-worker tell me that her husband thought I was "looking good" at the Christmas party and wondered what I had been doing to lose weight. God bless the man.

5. Hearing the new Morrissey single on the radio.

Grace In Small Things - Part 2

I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell".

It's just been that kind of day.

Well, week.

Actually the whole month has been rather craptastic. And we're only halfway in. Brilliant.

But let's not let all the wank cast a shadow on the good stuff, shall we?. Continuing with the Grace In Small Things challenge, here are a few things that graced me today:

1. A warm kitty sleeping on my chest, his head rested directly between my cleavage. Aw.

2. Rewatching episodes of Doctor Who (oh, yes!)

3. My brown and white polka-dotted head band.

4. My amazing, loving, thoughtful, kind, wonderful, hot, sexy husband.

5. Betty Crocker. Oh. My. Stars. This is my porn, people. (Note: This porn IS suitable for work! So go ahead...click your brains out.)

Grace In Small Things - Part 1

I came across this project just today and I absolutely love the idea.

"The world we live in is loud and harsh and bright and demanding, and it is easy to slide into a less than thoughtful survival mode in which we do what we have to do to make it through the day with the least amount of strife possible. This robs us of the time and energy to be mindful of ourselves and those we love and to recognize the grace that exists in small things."

Too true.

I think I'll join in the fun. Maybe not every day, perhaps weekly. At any rate, now more than ever we should be pausing to take stock and appreciate the small things that add up to make life...well, life.

So, part 1:

1. A warm, purring kitty curled up at my side.

2. A warm husband curled up at my other side.

3. Chocolate oreo cake. With an oreo on top.

4. Sour cream.

5. Slipping into the comfiest pair of pajamas after a long, hard day.

And Birds Will Come Sing On My Shoulder While I Wash Dishes

I spotted this dress at Downeast Basics a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It's so classic! The polka-dots, the bow, the scroll work along the bottom. And pockets! It has pockets! How incredibly charming!

I can just imagine myself wearing this little number to tea parties and brunches and ladies book clubs. Granted, I don't have any tea parties or brunches or ladies book clubs to wear it to, but maybe if I had a dress for such an occasion one might turn up.

Although really, I kind of just want to buy it so I can wear it with a pair of high heels and vacuum in it.

And then put an apron on over it and bake cupcakes.

This dress has domestic diva written all over it.

The Unlikely Stranger

I have been going through and archiving some old journal entries (it's nearly 2am, what else would I be doing?). I am having a lot of fun reading about this person I used to be nearly nine years ago. I've forgotten much of the events that had taken place and it's been quite enjoyable to reminisce.

Anyway, I came across this entry from 2003 that I had completely forgotten about. And oddly enough, I really needed to read this again as I have been having some very bad days indeed.

I would like to share it with all of you. I don't know whatever happened to this man, but he certainly made an impact on me. So whoever you are, if you're out there, thank you.

Without further ado...

The Unlikely Stranger

I had so far been having a terrible morning today and was feeling very stressed and angry. I was all alone and busy as hell. The phone never stopped ringing and customer after customer kept walking in. And then a man stopped in to inquire about an eyeglass accessory (which we no longer carried). He was an elderly gentleman, rather on the plump side and he wore the strangest hat. It was like a baseball cap, but square and it was colored an array of splattered and mixed up colors. Although I could plainly see he was quite old, he had a youngness in his face and his tone was quite warm when he spoke. His presence was instantly calming.

I apologized to him for not having the item he was looking for, as he told me he had driven all the way from downtown. He then replied by saying he didn't think I was sorry at all.

"Excuse me", I said.

"Well, if you were really sorry you'd look like this" and he proceeded to stick his bottom lip out in the pouty way a toddler does and to wrinkle his forehead in a worrisome fashion. I giggled, and mimicked his face as best I could and apologized again.

"Much better", he said and smiled at me most kindly and with a twinkle in his eyes. He proceeded to tell me a few other jokes, and told me that when he was young he was one of the comic writers for Red Skelton.

We chatted a bit more about his Red Skelton days, and then he paused and asked,
"Are you a serious person?"

"Well", I replied, "Sometimes....I guess....I haven't really thought about it."

"I want you to listen carefully", he told me, "this is important. And I want you to remember this, because you may never see me again. Don't ever be serious. Laugh because you're lovely when you laugh. And the world laughs with you."

I didn't really have a response to that. Because the truth of the matter is that I am too serious. I let stupid people get to me and I get upset about trivial things like traffic and such. In fact, 30 seconds before he walked in the door I was in a huff about my chaotic day. I stopped, and pondered on this for a moment. Since the man had walked in, he had cheered me up considerably with his jovial nature.

"I will remember that", I told the man. And I meant it. "Thank you". Something told me this was no chance encounter with just another stranger today.

(He added that the only place it was okay to be serious was in the bathroom.)

The man then told me lean close to him, and I did, thinking he wanted to whisper something perhaps. The then took his finger and stroked it across my cheek. Normally I'd be put off by a customer wanting to touch me, especially on my face, but this didn't bother me today. Not with this man. He then took his finger and tasted it in his mouth. "Yup", he said with a grin, "you're sweet".

At this I just had to laugh. I had never had anyone "taste" me before, let alone anyone elderly. He was just so endearing and adorable I had to laugh. And he laughed with me.

He then said he would be going on his way. He said he didn't know if he'd be seeing me again, but told me I should take care of myself. I told him to do the same and to please stop in again if he was ever in the neighborhood. He said he would. I wondered why he kept saying he may not see me again. Was it just that he didn't get up here much? Or was he trying to tell me he was not expecting to live much longer? I didn't know, and I didn't ask....I really don't know how to ask something like that politely. But what he said really touched me, and the manner of kindness he showed me...a perfect stranger...warmed my heart considerably.

As he walked out the door, I waved to him and realized that I never asked him his name. I wouldn't know it until later on that day, but he left a profound mark on me. I found myself letting crude and unpolished comments from customers roll of my back for the rest of the day. On lunch I was stuck in a traffic jam that would normally have me tightening my grip on the steering wheel, tensing all my muscles and swearing like a trucker, but I kept thinking back to what the man had told me and just sang louder to the music in my car. It turned out to be a good day after all.

You Know What, Enough Already!

(image courtesy of nataliedee.com)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, friends!

I had planned to write all about Christmas and New Years like I have done in the past, recapping all the happenings. But I'm just going to say that they were simple and uneventful,
but also nice. And they were.

But I am glad they are over. What with the health issues experienced by both myself and my husband these past several months, the holidays were a bit tricky this year. The hustle and bustle this season brings added some challenges, but we were still able to enjoy some good times spent with family and friends.
Which is the important bit, really.

So here's to a new year full of new possibilities and opportunities. I trust that, if nothing else, 2009 will be an interesting year indeed.

Life Is A Lot Less Serious When You Have Monkeys On Your Feet

These are the best slippers in the whole wide world. I defy anyone to put on these slippers and not feel happier than they did a moment before. Just gaze down into those big button eyes and I promise you'll find yourself smiling.

My good friend Angie gave me these slippers for Christmas. Man, she's got my number all right! Thanks Angie for making my feet happier and my heart a bit lighter!

Candy Canes!

Nick snapped this fun shot of some Christmas candy canes! Though I'm not personally a fan of peppermint, I love Christmas candy canes. I don't eat them, I just like to look at them. Nick takes care of the eating part.

Words To Live By

Merry Christmas!

Holiday Fun In The Kitchen

I don't know about you, but nothing says Christmas to me like making festive holiday treats. Creativity, chocolate and making memories with friends...what could be more Christmas Spirit-y? Or messy? I love making a mess.

I was inspired by my new online love, Bakerella, to make these holiday themed cake balls. How fun are these? As far as I'm concerned, the funnest part of making holiday treats is decorating them. We had decorating gel, little candies and sprinkles galore. I even found edible markers. Genius.

And because Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without them, we even had these festive cow-shaped sprinkles! There was a cow in the manger or something, wasn't there?



Anyway, making the cake balls themselves was easy enough. It's basically a mix of crumbled up cake and frosting, rolled into balls. The unforseen challenge came when it was time to dip and decorate. It seemed relatively simple:
melt chocolate,
dip balls into chocolate,
apply decorations.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh. Uhm.

Ka-blamo!

Obviously, there was a bit more to think about than we initially thought. We made the balls a bit too big, and with the added weight of the melted chocolate they were sliding right off the sticks. But, after some trial and error (and a lot of laughter!) we started getting the hang of it...

My sister Amy made this adorable Christmas mouse!
(Sadly, however, part of his head fell off. So she had to eat him. He was delicious.)

And I made this reindeer.


Remember that childhood game Cootie? This is our chocolate tribute to Cooties.


For a first attempt, I'd say not bad. A for effort, anyways. And we learned some things for next time. But most importantly, we had a complete blast!

Love you ladies!!